It feels so… quick. And it is amazing how so many things, so many changes, have managed to fit in such a short period of time. Some are good, some are bad, some strange, and others I simply wish to ignore. This being avoidant thing might bite me in the ass, but I’ll just deal with that later. I may have some regrets, but I suppose what’s done is done. Regrets are a waste of time.
It feels like friggin Laguna Beach down here.
But, thankfully, some things have stayed the same. And I hope they will continue to stay the same.
“Where is the fucking sensor? Why can’t I peel the friggin potato? Where is the hand?!? WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!! I AM BEING GENTLE, JAN! (All while frantically waving the remote around in the hopes of getting some sort of response)”—Me playing Cooking Mama on Wii
I was just pondering over and over again in my mind, searching for additional ways to annoy people. And then I stumbled upon this website. I have done number 21 and 24, and I plan on trying number 32 (just to bug all those people that think that psych students can read people’s minds). Number 27 is especially fantastic.
I have been shopping-celibate for 2 months now. My last purchases were socks and pajama bottoms. Now, even watching infomercials about cleaning products makes me want to shop. It’s either I have turned into a housewife or I just need to hear the ka-ching of a cashier. THIS HAS GOT TO END.
Here are a few things that I like right now (excluding household products):
This week has been filled with a lot of puke inducing moments. And no I am not talking about the alcohol induced variety. It’s the familiar tense feeling that I have in my stomach whenever I am the least bit depressed. This is my id struggling to swim up to my ego and uncover all of the nasty thoughts that I have been burying in the back of my mind. This stems from the increasing pressures coming from my superego to conform to what everyone wants me to be. Well, that may be a tad bit exaggerated, after all whatever i want to do is ultimately up to me. But I guess I care too much about what people think to look at it this way. And in the middle of all these people swaying me to this way and that, my id is struggling to pop out of my mind and say all the things that I really want to.
I don’t honestly think that these people have any evil intentions towards me (I hope). I guess a few of them do mean the best for me, and they want me to be what they think would be the best version of myself. Others would just like me to be more fun so that I could be more a part of whatever it is they are a part of. The problem is, it seems like all these people think of me as single-faceted. Because they see me behaving a certain way in a certain situation, they think that I will react the same way in similar situations. And this is not the case. It could be said that I am a painfully indecisive person without any sense of principles, or it could just be that I am a multi-faceted person with many sides to my personality (the former most likely). But the thing that I want to make perfectly clear is that I have no wish of conforming to what anyone expects from me. I have my own expectations about myself and these expectations themselves have been partially derived from what others think I should be. Once again I am sure that all these people are unknowingly exerting this pressure on me, but as anyone who knows me very well understands that I put a lot of pressure on myself and I don’t need anymore, thank you very much.
Another way of looking at this: I might be making all this stuff up. It might be that a lot of people don’t really give a shit about what I do, but I’d like to think that people care and as a result I think that they’re doing this. My superego makes me exert a conscious effort to make everyone like me, and everyone to think that I’m whatever it is that I want them to think. And I project this pressure as coming from them, when it reality it all just comes back to me. And I’m just cracking under the pressure of having to alter modes constantly when I’m with different people.
Bottom line is, my superego needs to ease up and let my id say something for a change.
When I was in the 4th or 5th grade, I was really into the Malory Towers series written by Enid Blyton, and there was this one quote from that book that stuck with me: “Self-pity brings the fastest tears.”. I find this to be very much true, at least in my case. It makes us feel like crap, while also validating our pain. It rewards while it punishes.
Not many people will admit to wallowing in their own self-induced pity, because, well, admitting that makes you look pretty pathetic. You don’t accept a certain situation, you feel victimized, and you can’t do anything about it except wallow in your own self-induced pity and think of how crappy everything is. I think that self-pity is somewhat of a guilty pleasure. Not a lot of people will readily admit to it, but I’m pretty sure that it’s manifested in our life somehow. Some see it as an extreme form of egocentrism. This fixation on what is going wrong in our lives paralyzes us, making us unable to do anything to affect our situation.
Similarly, some of the situations that we produce to trigger this self pity are also self-induced. We do something we’re not supposed to do, knowing how much it hurt us the first time yet we do it again, only to be left alone to sit in that little puddle of misery that we’ve created for ourselves. And once again, we wash the pain away with our own self-pity. It is a pleasurable activity in a skewed way, a form of masochism if you will. We hurt ourselves, and as a consequence, we feel bad, but the feeling of being victimized, and being all ‘woe is me’ triggers some kind of reward mechanism in our brains, something that makes us feel good enough to reinforce this behavior. The conscious effects that the behavior has on us hurts us, yet we are unconsciously congratulated for that pain. We feel martyr-like in the sense that everything that’s happening to us is just horrible and we are left to just suffer through it, while on the other hand it gives us a sense of helplessness and a chance for us to stop thinking about the responsibility that we have in our lives. It’s a backlash to the emotion-less, robotic, individualist world that we live in today, where each and every one of us are laden with more responsibilities than ever.
P.S. I guess emo kids could be a cultural consequence of this too.